Tuesday, April 10, 2012

A bitter pill is the hardest to swallow

Actually, with a band most pills are tricky.

Here I am, the absent blogger. I could name a dozen reasons why I haven't blogged. No news in the weight loss department...busy with school...spring lake trips.

Or the fact that I have a pill of bitterness stuck in the back of my throat and I am having a hard time swallowing it.

For those that don't know, my husband and I have struggled with infertility for a long time. We've been married 9 years and more than anything in the world wanted to be parents. I've gone through the hormone treatments and all that jazz. Then I had a basketball-sized cyst removed in 2011 that had killed my right ovary. Last July we found out that my left over aged prematurely - which means there are no eggs. No eggs means no babies. It was the most devastating thing that ever happened to us.

We looked into adoption - but that is very very expensive. There was a foster to adopt program through CPS, but we don't qualify. Instead of being the parents we have always dreamed of, we will be the two old people on the front porch, drinking coffee, surrounded by our Chihuahuas.

The bitter part?? The part that makes me seem like a selfish witch? My sister-in-law and brother-in-law also have had fertility issues. They tried for a couple of years with no luck. She went to the same specialist I visited in July and decided that IVF was the right path for them. A few weeks ago they tried the procedure for the third and final time. She found out a week or so ago that she is pregnant. She found out today that she is having twins.

I should be elated. I should be able to congratulate her. But instead I am green with envy. So jealous that it hurts. They spent the weekend at the lake with us and everytime they brought it up I just walked away. The whole family is just thrilled that they finally got what they deserve. For now, I can't be.

I really don't have anyone to talk to about it. Sanford is just as hurt as I am, so I don't bring it up. My mom just tells me that "God has a plan." And that hurts my heart even more because I am mad. Mad at God. Mad at the life I have been dealt. And I know I should let go of that anger. But it is hard.

So, like I said. It's a bitter pill. I can't seem to choke it down. Maybe getting it out of my head will help my heart start to heal.


  1. Good for you for owning those feelings! Be mad, be bitter, be hurt. It's temporary. You'll move on - and it will still be bitter, but not as hard. Time heals all wounds - but give yourself this time to grieve. Don't let anyone tell you what you should feel - just feel it all out :) This is your safe place!

  2. wow, I cannot imagine how that feels. you have every right to feel how you do. hang in there!

  3. Jess I am so sorry! I have a best friend who is going through infertility right now too. I cannot imagine the pain you guys feel. Good for you for owning up to all of those emotions though. You deserve to feel whatever you want!!! <3

  4. I'm so so sorry that you have to go through this. My thoughts and love are with you x

  5. Jess,

    Email me. My husband and I did foster to adopt through the state of Texas. I want to know why they say you don't quailify. I can get more information for you as my friend is an adoption specialist.

  6. I have no words of comfort for you as I've never been through it. But please know you're in my thoughts and prayers and I hope everything works out for you. Please take Dawnya up on her offer of help...you never know what can be done. ((HUGS))

  7. Aww...that is completely understandable. I'm so sorry and I feel sure that as you move forward you will find the right path. Big hugs!

  8. I am struggling with infertility as well and this is one of my biggest fears - that I will find out I will never be able to conceive. My heart truly hurts for you and I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts! I hope you find what you are looking for in the (near) future! Have you looked into surrogacy? I have no idea of prices of anything but I hope you find a baby option that works for you. <3

  9. I'm so sorry! Praying for you!