A bitter pill is the hardest to swallow

Actually, with a band most pills are tricky.

Here I am, the absent blogger. I could name a dozen reasons why I haven't blogged. No news in the weight loss department...busy with school...spring lake trips.

Or the fact that I have a pill of bitterness stuck in the back of my throat and I am having a hard time swallowing it.

For those that don't know, my husband and I have struggled with infertility for a long time. We've been married 9 years and more than anything in the world wanted to be parents. I've gone through the hormone treatments and all that jazz. Then I had a basketball-sized cyst removed in 2011 that had killed my right ovary. Last July we found out that my left over aged prematurely - which means there are no eggs. No eggs means no babies. It was the most devastating thing that ever happened to us.

We looked into adoption - but that is very very expensive. There was a foster to adopt program through CPS, but we don't qualify. Instead of being the parents we have always dreamed of, we will be the two old people on the front porch, drinking coffee, surrounded by our Chihuahuas.

The bitter part?? The part that makes me seem like a selfish witch? My sister-in-law and brother-in-law also have had fertility issues. They tried for a couple of years with no luck. She went to the same specialist I visited in July and decided that IVF was the right path for them. A few weeks ago they tried the procedure for the third and final time. She found out a week or so ago that she is pregnant. She found out today that she is having twins.

I should be elated. I should be able to congratulate her. But instead I am green with envy. So jealous that it hurts. They spent the weekend at the lake with us and everytime they brought it up I just walked away. The whole family is just thrilled that they finally got what they deserve. For now, I can't be.

I really don't have anyone to talk to about it. Sanford is just as hurt as I am, so I don't bring it up. My mom just tells me that "God has a plan." And that hurts my heart even more because I am mad. Mad at God. Mad at the life I have been dealt. And I know I should let go of that anger. But it is hard.

So, like I said. It's a bitter pill. I can't seem to choke it down. Maybe getting it out of my head will help my heart start to heal.