Tuesday, April 10, 2012

A bitter pill is the hardest to swallow

Actually, with a band most pills are tricky.

Here I am, the absent blogger. I could name a dozen reasons why I haven't blogged. No news in the weight loss department...busy with school...spring lake trips.

Or the fact that I have a pill of bitterness stuck in the back of my throat and I am having a hard time swallowing it.

For those that don't know, my husband and I have struggled with infertility for a long time. We've been married 9 years and more than anything in the world wanted to be parents. I've gone through the hormone treatments and all that jazz. Then I had a basketball-sized cyst removed in 2011 that had killed my right ovary. Last July we found out that my left over aged prematurely - which means there are no eggs. No eggs means no babies. It was the most devastating thing that ever happened to us.

We looked into adoption - but that is very very expensive. There was a foster to adopt program through CPS, but we don't qualify. Instead of being the parents we have always dreamed of, we will be the two old people on the front porch, drinking coffee, surrounded by our Chihuahuas.

The bitter part?? The part that makes me seem like a selfish witch? My sister-in-law and brother-in-law also have had fertility issues. They tried for a couple of years with no luck. She went to the same specialist I visited in July and decided that IVF was the right path for them. A few weeks ago they tried the procedure for the third and final time. She found out a week or so ago that she is pregnant. She found out today that she is having twins.

I should be elated. I should be able to congratulate her. But instead I am green with envy. So jealous that it hurts. They spent the weekend at the lake with us and everytime they brought it up I just walked away. The whole family is just thrilled that they finally got what they deserve. For now, I can't be.

I really don't have anyone to talk to about it. Sanford is just as hurt as I am, so I don't bring it up. My mom just tells me that "God has a plan." And that hurts my heart even more because I am mad. Mad at God. Mad at the life I have been dealt. And I know I should let go of that anger. But it is hard.

So, like I said. It's a bitter pill. I can't seem to choke it down. Maybe getting it out of my head will help my heart start to heal.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I must confess...

I've never really followed a workout routine since being banded. I've walked, ran, did bleacher and Zumba but always in spurts.

It seems as though my body revolts at the idea of any kind of exercise in the winter. And then craves it when the weather warms up.

I must also confess that I haven't worked out at all since...September!! Sigh.

Yesterday, I decided to change all that!! I hit the gym at the student center after class. I did a quick 12 minute mile on the treadmill, 2 miles on the stationary bike and then had my first experience with an elliptical. Yowza! My coordination, not so great. I did last about 5 minutes on level 7...and I am happy to report that I was able to get out of bed without assistance today.

Actually, I'm not sore at all. Which is a disappointment. I love that next day sore feeling. It lets me know that I accomplished something!! I guess I will push myself a little farther tomorrow!!! I think I'm going to start out with 3 days a week and then step it up to 4...and in a few weeks add some weights to my routine.

Here we go!!!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Lights Are On

I just had to share the most amazing thing that happened to me yesterday (even though I should be doing some last minute studying for today's lab practical...).

I was lucky enough to grow up with two sets of amazing grandparents. I was closer to my mom's mom growing up. Grandmother lived about 20 minutes away, but I spent every free second I had with her. My mom's stepdad was my "Bob" and the first person I ever lost. My dad's parents lived 100 rows of corn away, and I went to their house everyday after school and played cards with Granny. We lost Grandmother in 2005 - and I still miss her everyday. My dad's parents still live 100 rows of corn away...

I know I have mentioned before that from time to time I stay with my grandparents. They need 24 hour care - my grandpa had a stroke 2 years ago and is wheelchair-bound. He can walk, with the aid of a walker, but can't really speak. Granny has Alzheimer's. Before Grandpa's stroke he took care of her all by himself. I really don't know how he did it. He'll be 89 in April. Up until the day of his stroke he was still tending to the animals (cows) and gardening and doing everything around the house. He's a pretty amazing man.

Most days Granny spends the day in bed. She never knows where she is. She knows her family, but can't remember how to get up out of the chair or where her bedroom is. Alzheimer's is an awful disease.

Yesterday after class I went out to sit with them because their regular weekday sitter was sick. When I pulled up to the house, they were both sitting on the front porch - which is rare for Granny. Grandpa would prefer sitting on the porch all day - even when its 100 degrees out in the summer.

Granny stayed up all afternoon. She would sit outside for a while, and then come sit in the living room. We chatted and visited and it was an unusual and totally enjoyable afternoon.

Around 4, I was going to start cooking supper. I went out to the bathroom (it's on the back porch!) to wash my hands. I walk back into the kitchen and Granny has gotten a box of frozen sausages out of the fridge. She cut them open with a knife, got a cookie sheet out of the cabinet and put them in the oven. (I waited until she left the room to turn off the oven and put the sausage back in the fridge!) I started cooking supper and and she stayed with me in the kitchen the entire time, stirring the potatoes, getting the butter out of the fridge and helping me make gravy. She walked out of the kitchen once, and I thought that maybe that little shining light I saw in her eyes had gone out. But she had gone to the bedroom to make her bed!! In two years she has never once tried to cook. Not only did she help me cook, but she set the table!!! Normally Grandpa eats in the dining room and Granny eats in her chair in the living room.

I went in and told Grandpa that even though it was early, Granny had helped me cook supper and set the table, so if it was ok with him, we were going to have supper early. He grinned from ear to ear. It was so cute, the two of them sitting at the dining room table enjoying a meal together.

If any of you have ever had a friend or relative with Alzheimer's or Dementia, you understand what a big deal this is. This is as close to lucid I have seen my Granny in a long long time. It absolutely made my week. This disease is hard. It's hard on her, and hard on the family. Seeing someone you have loved your whole life become a totally different person is heartbreaking. Knowing that it will only get worse makes these rare moments even more special.

Yesterday was a day I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Child Psych Project

We got the information on a poster project we have to do in my child psych class today. The poster isn't due until the last day of the semester, but I'm so thankful she gave us the info today - now I don't have to be the nerd, asking for it so I can knock it out during spring break.

We get to chose our own topic - anything "childhood related" and I am at a loss. I want something thought provoking, interesting and something so awesome that I can make the "wall of amazingness."

Any ideas???

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Devil Cookies

Do you know what annoys me??? People that assume because I am banded I don’t eat.

Um, yeah. I never eat. Haven’t taken a bite of food in 18 months.

Believe me, if that were the case, I wouldn’t be struggling at this plateau I’ve been stuck on!! Of course, if that were the case, I’d be DEAD.

But anywho. Other than being stuck at my current weight, not needing a fill, needing to get off my butt and get active banded life has been “normal.” Well, except for that minor incident in the truck on the way to school yesterday morning. I know exactly what I did wrong: a) I was eating while driving. b) I was eating something “new”. c) I was eating in the MORNING. And d) I was eating too fast.

While shoveling some of those little Lorna Doon or whatever they are called, cookies from a 100 calorie pack into my mouth I was barely chewing because I was dying of starvation. Had I paused to slow down for a second, I would have felt the second or so bite get stuck. But it was when I had a mouthful of cookies that I got that old familiar feeling. Uh oh. Luckily I had a water bottle handy. Welcome to slime city. Lesson learned.

Funny thing, though. I’ve never actually PB’d. Ever. (knocks on wood, crosses fingers, spits twice) I’ve had my fair share of sliming experiences and the occasional stuck episode. Or that oops I gulped too much water and have to spit out what’s in my mouth. But never an actual PB.

Spring is springing here in Texas and that means two things: 1. allergies!! and 2. lake trips!!! I love spring!!

AND less than two weeks until Spring Break. I really am considering becoming a professional student. I love studying and learning new things!!! And my grades this semester are “refrigerator door” worthy, according to Sanford. My test grades so far: 94 on Child Psych; 96 on Nutrition; 99 on A&P Lab Practical and 102 on A&P Lecture. =)

But now we are studying the skeleton in lab. Lots of bones. Lots of markings. I’m starting to feel whelmed. You know that feeling right before overwhelmed??? Yeah, that one!!!

I really need my very own skeleton…hmmm

Sunday, February 19, 2012


I'm sick of my Nutrition book. I want to throw it in the river.

That is all.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Shopping and other schtuff

Last week I went shopping to find some "college student" clothes. I was tired of looking like an old lady, wearing slacks and dress shoes!!! This is really the first shopping trip where I could go basically anywhere. As a teacher I would stick to the "boring" stores....Penney's, Stage, Macy's...but I wanted some comfy clothes!!! I started at 0ld Na.vy. I really wanted some Holli.ster or Aero.postale sweats, but I just couldn't make myself pay $40+ for sweats!!!

I got several super cute tops and some sweat pant capris....all for under $50!! I was in the market for jeans, but I was in a bit of a rush. I also got a pair of shoes I have been wanting FOREVER!!

I got these cuties in a size 9!!!
Tuesday I decided I was sick of my baggy butt jean, so I went to my favorite store for some Levi's. I still head straight for the women's department in every store I enter. It always takes me a second to realize that I can't wear anything in that department!!! Now, I don't even go near the juniors department. I refuse to wear jeans with a 2 centimeter zipper!! By anywho, I did find me some jeans...I found some jeans that almost didn't need to be hemmed...I am not short enough for petite, but too short to be average. It is a pain!!!

In other news...

My band is at perfect restriction. But I am still not losing. Not gaining. It is so frustrating. If I could just lose these last 20 pounds I would be happy. I apparently rock "maintenance" because I can hang out at a weight for months.

My biggest issue? I am not hungry all day. Then after I eat supper I am insatiable. I know it's in my head. I know what I need to do. I haven't exercised in a month. I gotta get off my butt and DO something!!!

Sanford started a new job this week!!! He is a service technician for forklifts and whatnot. This job could not have come at a better time!!! He is making MORE DINERO, and he has a company truck with a gas card!!

I have a busy weekend planned. Studying until I drop!!!