Wednesday, July 27, 2011


I had the followup appointment with the Fertility Specialist. It was a quick appointment - just to give me the results of the bloodwork.

To catch you up, here's my fertility story:
  • Chris and I got married in 2003. I wasn't working full-time so we didn't start trying for children right away.
  • In 2004, I started teaching, got insurance and so we decided to start trying.
    • I was instantly late...but not pregnant.
    • I didn't have my TOM for the entire school year.
  • January of 2006 I went to the OB/GYN for the first time. I was diagnosed with PCOS. They told me to lose weight, take my meds (metformin, clomid, vitamins) and give it time.
  • After years of trying we got frustrated, gave up.
  • Fast forward to November 2010 - I had severe abdominal pains, they found a cyst, had it removed.
  • Followup from surgery: Dr. said even though I lost my right ovary and tube my left side looked ok. He then referred me to the fertility specialist.
  • Appointment #1 with specialist: while doing the ultrasound she found 4 small cysts on my left ovary but could see that I was about to ovulate. (Needless to say I was on cloud nine - my ovary was working.)
Today's bloodwork report...they had taken 12 vials of blood and checked for everything under the sun. She started going over the reports with me....blah blah blah blah...I honestly don't remember what was said other than the fact the I have something called Premature Ovarian Aging. In other words, my ovary is a lot older than I am. Or something like that. Simply put: There are no more eggs in my ovary. No eggs = no babies.

Devastation doesn't even begin to describe what I am feeling. The rest of the visit consisted of me trying my best not to break down in front of the doctor. I was successful. I made it to the parking lot before I had a meltdown.

According to the paperwork I walked out of the office with she wants to operate on my remaining ovary to remove the cysts. Seriously? What's the point? AND I'm pre-diabetic. She gave me a prescription for metformin. AND I have orders to lose 10-20% of my body weight, eat a high protein low fat diet, and exercise 5 days a week.

I think at the point where she told me I couldn't get pregnant she stopped being my doctor. I obviously don't need a fertility specialist now that we know I am not fertile.

Then, I had to tell Chris. Over the phone. And my mom. I really don't feel like telling anyone else. Except you guys. I figured blogging it out might help me cope...or accept...or something. I don't know. Everything is kind of a fog right now.

Adoption is an option. We had always talked about a contigency plan. There are so many kids out there that need loving parents.

I have never felt this empty in my entire life. There will never be a little girl with my curls and Chris's blue eyes running underfoot. I won't ever have morning sickness or crazy food cravings. I won't ever get to feel my baby kicking and moving inside of me. There's just so much I feel I'm missing out on.

Sorry to dump my depression on you guys. I just need an outlet.


  1. I am so, so sorry. I sincerely wish I had some magic words to make you feel better. You are in my thoughts & prayers.

  2. I am so sorry for your pain. I won't try to say anything to make you feel better, I think at this point you need to grieve. (((hugs)))

  3. I am so sorry you're going through this. I'm afraid I have no words that will help make you feel better. I just want you to know that you cry, scream, throw a temper do whatever you need to do to get through this. You're absolutely right about adoptions. Millions of kids need a good home. Hang in there sweetie. Feel free to email me if you need to vent.

  4. My heart just goes out to you. Would you consider getting a second opinion just to be sure this Doctor was correct?

    Adoption is such a wonderful thing! If you do decide to go down that part, what a lucky child he/she will be!

  5. I'm so sorry! That stinks! Thanks for telling us what's going on.

  6. My heart is breaking for you.

  7. Jess, I am so, so sorry to hear that. I know you were really hoping.

    I agree with getting a second opinion.


  8. I want to cry! This must be so hard. I am so sorry.

    I don't know much about all this, but could they put a donor egg fertilized with your hubby's sperm in your uterus?

    I hope you get some good crying done and mourn all of this. Just know so many people love you and really are feeling for you!

  9. Oh Jess- big, big hug.
    There is child out there that needs you. They might not have your curls but they will be yours.

  10. Through my tears for your unused uterus and mine I remember that doctors are wrong all the time as are their predictions and diagnosis. That being said I am not saying this to get your hopes up, just to remind you we arent perfect and there is a greater being that gives us happiness in many ways. Not meaning to force my beliefs. I agree with some of those, cry, scream, kick, curse, blame,but in the end remember miracles happen everyday. Your day will come just know it may come in the form of a child that didnt grow inside you, but will be yours just the same. I hope these words help and not hurt. BIG BIG HUGS.....

  11. Oh Jess, I am so sorry to hear. Sending you big hugs.

  12. Oh Jess.. my heart breaks for you, I am so sorry.. I wish I had the words to make things right, but know that you and your Hubs are in my thoughts, my heart and always in my prayers...

    (((huggggsss))) to you, my Friend...

  13. Jeez. Don't apologize for venting. You need it. I am so so sorry for all the pain and coping your going through. I am praying for you. Hopefully hubs can help with some of the pain tonight.

  14. I am so very sorry. *hugs* I don't think there is anything I can say to make you feel better but I am here if you need to vent, cry, scream, whatever. Please email me if you need too!

  15. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this and I'm glad you have this forum to vent in...we all need that and we are here to support you.

  16. I wish I could hug you and take your pain away. I am so sorry you have to go through this. *HUGS*

  17. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I'm sending hugs and love your way.

  18. I'm literally sitting here crying with you, Jess. I'm so sorry to hear this, and even more sorry you had to.

    I know that you'll be a mother, no matter what the circumstances, one day soon you will be. *hugs*

  19. You are an amazing, loving, loved, inspirational lady. Hang on to those feelings of motherhood...there is a child out there for may have to curl her hair to get those curls, or the blue in her eyes may be there for only you to see...but there is a child for you sweet lady. You are an incredible mommy already!

  20. oh my god, my heart just melts for you. I am soo incredibly sorry!

    But you will survive and I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason.

    My counselor last night told me some semi-crazy, but totally thoughtful, information: What was the worst point in your life? (she asked me) I responded: probably when I was so depressed I couldn't function. Her response: And did that lowest point help you to be the better person you are today? Do you think that your worst point was actually the best thing that happened to you?

    She was right, if I hadn't gone through my depression I would be the strong, caring, semi-sane person I am today. That terrible experience helped me grow. And believe it or not, I don't regret it at all. My worst experience was actually my best.

    Maybe you'll think that way someday too. But for now I'm again, so sorry!

  21. You and your husband are in my prayers! I am praying that God fill your desire to be a mommy in ways you never even imagined.

  22. Girl, my heart breaks for you. I am crying as I am reading this. I can't imagine how hard it is for you and your hubby. Lots of prayers for you and your family!