To catch you up, here's my fertility story:
- Chris and I got married in 2003. I wasn't working full-time so we didn't start trying for children right away.
- In 2004, I started teaching, got insurance and so we decided to start trying.
- I was instantly late...but not pregnant.
- I didn't have my TOM for the entire school year.
- January of 2006 I went to the OB/GYN for the first time. I was diagnosed with PCOS. They told me to lose weight, take my meds (metformin, clomid, vitamins) and give it time.
- After years of trying we got frustrated, gave up.
- Fast forward to November 2010 - I had severe abdominal pains, they found a cyst, had it removed.
- Followup from surgery: Dr. said even though I lost my right ovary and tube my left side looked ok. He then referred me to the fertility specialist.
- Appointment #1 with specialist: while doing the ultrasound she found 4 small cysts on my left ovary but could see that I was about to ovulate. (Needless to say I was on cloud nine - my ovary was working.)
Devastation doesn't even begin to describe what I am feeling. The rest of the visit consisted of me trying my best not to break down in front of the doctor. I was successful. I made it to the parking lot before I had a meltdown.
According to the paperwork I walked out of the office with she wants to operate on my remaining ovary to remove the cysts. Seriously? What's the point? AND I'm pre-diabetic. She gave me a prescription for metformin. AND I have orders to lose 10-20% of my body weight, eat a high protein low fat diet, and exercise 5 days a week.
I think at the point where she told me I couldn't get pregnant she stopped being my doctor. I obviously don't need a fertility specialist now that we know I am not fertile.
Then, I had to tell Chris. Over the phone. And my mom. I really don't feel like telling anyone else. Except you guys. I figured blogging it out might help me cope...or accept...or something. I don't know. Everything is kind of a fog right now.
Adoption is an option. We had always talked about it....as a contigency plan. There are so many kids out there that need loving parents.
I have never felt this empty in my entire life. There will never be a little girl with my curls and Chris's blue eyes running underfoot. I won't ever have morning sickness or crazy food cravings. I won't ever get to feel my baby kicking and moving inside of me. There's just so much I feel I'm missing out on.
Sorry to dump my depression on you guys. I just need an outlet.