Today...

I had the followup appointment with the Fertility Specialist. It was a quick appointment - just to give me the results of the bloodwork.

To catch you up, here's my fertility story:

• Chris and I got married in 2003. I wasn't working full-time so we didn't start trying for children right away.
• In 2004, I started teaching, got insurance and so we decided to start trying.
• I was instantly late...but not pregnant.
• I didn't have my TOM for the entire school year.
• January of 2006 I went to the OB/GYN for the first time. I was diagnosed with PCOS. They told me to lose weight, take my meds (metformin, clomid, vitamins) and give it time.
• After years of trying we got frustrated, gave up.
• Fast forward to November 2010 - I had severe abdominal pains, they found a cyst, had it removed.
• Followup from surgery: Dr. said even though I lost my right ovary and tube my left side looked ok. He then referred me to the fertility specialist.
• Appointment #1 with specialist: while doing the ultrasound she found 4 small cysts on my left ovary but could see that I was about to ovulate. (Needless to say I was on cloud nine - my ovary was working.)

Today's bloodwork report...they had taken 12 vials of blood and checked for everything under the sun. She started going over the reports with me....blah blah blah blah...I honestly don't remember what was said other than the fact the I have something called Premature Ovarian Aging. In other words, my ovary is a lot older than I am. Or something like that. Simply put: There are no more eggs in my ovary. No eggs = no babies.

Devastation doesn't even begin to describe what I am feeling. The rest of the visit consisted of me trying my best not to break down in front of the doctor. I was successful. I made it to the parking lot before I had a meltdown.

According to the paperwork I walked out of the office with she wants to operate on my remaining ovary to remove the cysts. Seriously? What's the point? AND I'm pre-diabetic. She gave me a prescription for metformin. AND I have orders to lose 10-20% of my body weight, eat a high protein low fat diet, and exercise 5 days a week.

I think at the point where she told me I couldn't get pregnant she stopped being my doctor. I obviously don't need a fertility specialist now that we know I am not fertile.

Then, I had to tell Chris. Over the phone. And my mom. I really don't feel like telling anyone else. Except you guys. I figured blogging it out might help me cope...or accept...or something. I don't know. Everything is kind of a fog right now.

Adoption is an option. We had always talked about it....as a contigency plan. There are so many kids out there that need loving parents.

I have never felt this empty in my entire life. There will never be a little girl with my curls and Chris's blue eyes running underfoot. I won't ever have morning sickness or crazy food cravings. I won't ever get to feel my baby kicking and moving inside of me. There's just so much I feel I'm missing out on.

Sorry to dump my depression on you guys. I just need an outlet.